It’s been hard for me to relax this summer vacation, what with all the politikin’ and religiousity on the issue of hair going on. Out in California, where no one older than ten knows their true hair color, Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina, who is no ‘looker’ herself, let’s be honest – took a potshot at her opponent’s hair, saying that she had seen Senator Barbara Boxer briefly on the TV that morning and asked out loud, into a mic she thought was turned off, “God, what is that hair?”  Senator Boxer demurred that if she got the votes from everyone who ever had a bad hair day, she’d win reelection by a landslide.

Then the fools folks at BP took another public relations hit over their refusal to use hair booms to help clean up that mess they made down in the Gulf.

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A pound of hair soaks up about a quart of oil, so beauty shops around the country organized the production of “hair sausages” – clippings from the salon floor stuffed into pantyhose – to send to those hapless BP execs who can’t seem to find their butts with both hands. Thousands of shops joined in. Local newspaper headlines blazed “Area Salons help with Gulf Cleanup” across our fair nation and into Canada.  To date, close to 500,000 pounds of hair is sitting in warehouses along the Gulf, waiting to be floated, but BP won’t use it.  They say it isn’t as good as artificial booms.  So now we have a whole new environmental problem – What to do with toxically dyed hair stuffed in smelly old nylons that were made out of petrochemicals to begin with!  Hell, I bet landfills won’t take ‘em!  Lordy, lordy, lordy.

And speaking of the Lord, the hairiest story yet of the summer came when Iran issued a haircut catalog of acceptable styles for Islamic men.  Worried that Western culture is seeping into – and on to – the heads of young Iranian men, the Iranian Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance unveiled the haircuts in preparation for this week’s Veil and Chastity Day Festival (I don’t suppose they have a Tunnel of Love at that fair, do you?)  On the “no fly” list are ponytails, spiked hair, mullets (the Mullah’s outlawed mullets, heh-heh!) and anything too Western-looking, though one ‘do is distinctively an Elvis Presley rip-off.  The Ministry even outlawed eyebrow -shaping and those boys could use a little pluck!

Here in the States, we don’t let our religious organizations or politicians tell us how to wear our hair, unless you live in Utah, of course.  We get our guidance from a higher power – Lady Gaga or Proctor & Gamble, for example.  If my hair belonged to a religious organization it would be “The 34^th Church of the Heavenly Hue” or “Our Lady of the Tortured Tress.”  If my hair were a political candidate, she would be Donna Touchit from the proud State of Confusion, running for the 15^th time.

But someone is taking all this seriously.  I guess what Mama said was really true: “There are only three things you can’t get outa your hair or your clothes, daughter: petroleum products, preachers and politicians.“  Say Amen, somebody.

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Proceeds from procedures like facelifts and teeth-whitening would have generated $5 billion over the next 10 years, where the estimate for skin-frying will only be $2.7 billion.  Industry spokespeople say it is a tax against women, because they make up 75% of the consumers who use tanning beds.  The same argument was used against the Bo-tax.  They also argue that their industry is mostly small businesses already struggling in this self-sacrificing economy.  True; we’ll give them that point.

But here’s a big difference:  The World Health Organization recently “upgraded” tanning beds to a “Group 1 carcinogenic” category.  In terms of how your health is affected, that puts using tanning bulbs in the same category as smoking cigarettes or exposure to asbestos.  Scientists around the world are alarmed about the dramatic increase in skin cancer in young women, and research for WHO points to tanning salons.  WHO’s International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) reported, “the risk of skin melanoma is increased by 75 percent when use of tanning devices starts before 30 years of age.”

So, taxing procedures that ruin the skin and kill us, is really better than taxing procedures that make us look and feel better, don’t you think?  You see – Congress is smarter than we give them credit for.  Sometimes, anyway.

Oh, I love a little controversy!  The Bo-Tax, which passed and is now included in the Senate health care bill, has more panties in a bunch than Tiger Woods.  The 5% tax on cosmetic procedures has brought together very unlikely political bedfellows – “L Word” fans who have never worn lip gloss are teaming up with Hollywood plastic surgeons to decry the tax as unfair to women.

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Feminists and movie industry femme fatales are joining arms, (along with their doctors; some for bunions, some for boobs) in the battle against Congress.  The Huffington Post as well as The American Spectator have editorialized against it. Gloria Steinem has spoken out and so has Dolly Parton’s cosmetic surgeon.  It’s impressive fun.

I believe we should just be done with this, for heaven’s sake, and just call it even! Look, we all know that health care reform is coming and that there will be a cost.  This is just a matter of equal burden between the sexes.  Women get 86% of the cosmetic procedures in this country, which amounts to about $12 billion.  It just so happens that current legal pornography, which is consumed by more than 86% of men in this country – is also worth about $12 billion.   So we each pay our fair share.  Women pay to look good, men pay to look AT the goods.

I think calling the new proposal the Bo-Po Tax was a mistake, though.  Maybe we should call it “The Lift Tax,” because whether it’s surgery or pornography, somebody’s getting a rise out of it.

Got an idea for the name?  Campaign advise?  Comment below.  Oh, and if you haven’t already, click here to sign the petition.

Plastic surgeons and esthetic specialists are against it – it hits them right in the pocket.  But the opposition also makes a good point that this tax burden is lopsided between the genders: “86% of cosmetic surgery patients are female …” said Dr. Michael McGuire, the president of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS).  So we women are the ones who will shoulder the majority of the burden.

Gina has the solution

Personally, the move could send me directly to the poor house, given the amount of money I spend on upkeep, but I understand that we all have to rise to a national crisis.  I do, however, think that men and women should shoulder the burden equally, so my proposal is that we also add a 5% excise tax on pornography and call it the BoPo Tax!

It’s a brilliant plan! I should get the Nobel Peace Prize, except that it is not original – others have advocated the same thing for different reasons, not the least of which is because it is such a missed opportunity.  But now is the time!  The majority of pornography is consumed by men.  TopTenReviews.com reports that pornography in the US is about a $13 billion business – that’s video, magazines, Internet, escort services – the whole caboodle (or someone’s boodle.)  Cosmetic surgery – including enhancements like fillers and botox – also amounts to about $13 billion.  What a coincidence! So, combine them and together we have doubled the contribution we make to the 36 million people who don’t have insurance, and we have done it on an equal basis!

Problem solved. I just don’t know why these people don’t ask me first.*

Now, having realized just how right I am, I know you will want to join my campaign to support The BoPo Tax.  The BoPo Movement supports health care reform, understands our obligations and the urgency of the legislation.  We also know this should be done equally between the sexes.  We urge lawmakers to include in the Senate health care bill a 5% tax on pornography. (Just say it’s a health-related issue for erectile dysfunction or something.) It’s only fair.  You men – show your cajones (evidently that works for you), this is your chance to prove that you are truly in support of equality.

Click here to join.

*Gina would like to acknowledge her lawyer for his contribution to this story.