This appalling news was reported by the Journal Nutrition Research, following a study from Johannes Gutenberg University in Germany, that declares white wine to be corrosive, worse than red, and brushing your teeth after drinking it only makes it worse.  The researchers tested eight red and white wines from Germany, France, Italy and Spain on teeth that had been pulled from men and women ages 40 to 65.  They dropped the teeth in wine, and then checked them after a 24-hour soak.  Brace yourself.

“Within the limits of this study, it can be predicted that frequent consumption of white wines might lead to severe dental erosion,” said co-author Dr Brita Willershausen…If teeth have been softened by exposure to acids, the damage can be made worse by excessive brushing of the teeth too soon afterwards.”

Oh for heaven sakes, is there no way out of this? Curse you, Researcher Willershausen!  And the rest of your team – Birgül Azrak, Christian Kloß, Angelika Callaway and even you, Burkhardt Schulz-Dobrick!  Who said you could use those teeth, anyway?  I demand a recount!  What could you possibly know with names like that?

There is a way to help, the report concludes.  Cocktail parties.  Well, not actually parties, but events where we might also consume calcium-rich foods like cheese and desserts, which can offset some of the damage.  That, and controlling saliva, which rots your teeth worse than anything.

So, the final word is this: if you will continue to consume white wine, you should eat a lot of cheese and spit frequently.

Anyone seen the spittoon?

• UK’s Daily Mail gives the European angle.

• GreenLivingIdeas has some things to say about it, too.