Carly, snarly and Ayatoll-y

Posted on July 14th, 2010 by Gina

It’s been hard for me to relax this summer vacation, what with all the politikin’ and religiousity on the issue of hair going on. Out in California, where no one older than ten knows their true hair color, Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina, who is no ‘looker’ herself, let’s be honest – took a potshot at her opponent’s hair, saying that she had seen Senator Barbara Boxer briefly on the TV that morning and asked out loud, into a mic she thought was turned off, “God, what is that hair?”  Senator Boxer demurred that if she got the votes from everyone who ever had a bad hair day, she’d win reelection by a landslide.

Then the fools folks at BP took another public relations hit over their refusal to use hair booms to help clean up that mess they made down in the Gulf.

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A pound of hair soaks up about a quart of oil, so beauty shops around the country organized the production of “hair sausages” – clippings from the salon floor stuffed into pantyhose – to send to those hapless BP execs who can’t seem to find their butts with both hands. Thousands of shops joined in. Local newspaper headlines blazed “Area Salons help with Gulf Cleanup” across our fair nation and into Canada.  To date, close to 500,000 pounds of hair is sitting in warehouses along the Gulf, waiting to be floated, but BP won’t use it.  They say it isn’t as good as artificial booms.  So now we have a whole new environmental problem – What to do with toxically dyed hair stuffed in smelly old nylons that were made out of petrochemicals to begin with!  Hell, I bet landfills won’t take ‘em!  Lordy, lordy, lordy.

And speaking of the Lord, the hairiest story yet of the summer came when Iran issued a haircut catalog of acceptable styles for Islamic men.  Worried that Western culture is seeping into – and on to – the heads of young Iranian men, the Iranian Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance unveiled the haircuts in preparation for this week’s Veil and Chastity Day Festival (I don’t suppose they have a Tunnel of Love at that fair, do you?)  On the “no fly” list are ponytails, spiked hair, mullets (the Mullah’s outlawed mullets, heh-heh!) and anything too Western-looking, though one ‘do is distinctively an Elvis Presley rip-off.  The Ministry even outlawed eyebrow -shaping and those boys could use a little pluck!

Here in the States, we don’t let our religious organizations or politicians tell us how to wear our hair, unless you live in Utah, of course.  We get our guidance from a higher power – Lady Gaga or Proctor & Gamble, for example.  If my hair belonged to a religious organization it would be “The 34th Church of the Heavenly Hue” or “Our Lady of the Tortured Tress.”  If my hair were a political candidate, she would be Donna Touchit from the proud State of Confusion, running for the 15th time.

But someone is taking all this seriously.  I guess what Mama said was really true: “There are only three things you can’t get outa your hair or your clothes, daughter: petroleum products, preachers and politicians.”  Say Amen, somebody.

One Comment on “Carly, snarly and Ayatoll-y”

  1. Jane Scribner

    As a typically haircentric Californian I must report on my newest treatment… Keratinization… (not its real name… Bob insists on calling it a Brazillian Blowout but I think that conjures provocative images for him… men)… 4 hours, $400 and I have been promised at least 4 months of straight hair. At day 4 I have to say, I’m pretty happy… straight, shiny, smooth and soft as a baby’s… welll, stomach. I was resistant but frankly I think this is fabulous and anything that keeps me from having to use the gd blowdryer and iron thingy is tops in my book!

    Hear you have a wedding comin’ up! Can’t wait to hear all. Wish we had another night of dancing to look forward to at the Preserve… we miss you guys! (love the pic)

    Lots of love to you and the mister,

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A short history of cosmetics

150BC Romans use yellow eye shadow.

The Romans preferred to use gold-colored eye shadow which was made from saffron and painted onto the area around the sides and under their eyes. Then they used powdered wood ash to color their eyelids black. This gold color was quite significant at the time because they saw themselves as the rulers of the Mediterranean.