Boston has a notorious mobster who has been on the lamb for 16 years and is presumed to be very much alive.  On the eve of his arrest, he and his girlfriend were tipped off, so they slipped off – and haven’t been caught yet.  Whitey Bulger is now 81 years old and Catherine Greig is 59. Not exactly Bonnie and Clyde mind you, but Whitey is on the FBI’s Top Ten Most Wanted List – right under Osama Bin Laden.

One day not long ago, a crack FBI agent found that Greig had some plastic surgery done before she disappeared.  Whitey likes his girls young and sassy, evidently.  She had a facelift, a nose job, liposuction, and breast implants, and she was only 43 years old then.  It must have been an AHA! moment when the agent also realized that it was highly likely that she (and perhaps even HE) might be a candidate for cosmetic adjustments in the future.  So, what did the Bureau do?

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They took out an ad in the April-May edition of Plastic Surgery News, a newsletter that goes out to nearly 6,000 plastic surgeons around the world!  It was a full-page color ad with pictures of both fugitives and details of all Greig’s nips/tucks, right down to the product and lot number engraved on each of her implants!

I won’t get started about implants being used as tracking devices (“Lieutenant, I think we’ve picked up a signal from her left nipple!”), but only because these people are seriously dangerous citizens.  In fact, I want to be helpful, so it occurs to me that the FBI might not know that plastic surgeons readily use the Internet now to “capture” customers.  They should simply ask physicians to be alert for particular kinds of questions in email correspondence from potential patients.  Questions like:

1)    Are you willing to do house calls?  If yes:

a.     Do you mind being blindfolded during the trip?

b.     Are you claustrophobic?

2)    If you are not willing to travel:

a.     Can you do this surgery without actually looking at me?

b.     How many exits are there in the recovery room?

3)    Do you take unmarked bills for payment?

4)    As a gesture of your commitment to doctor/patient confidentiality, please include with your reply, the location of the schools where your children attend classes.

The story of Whitey Bulger and Boston’s Winter Hill Gang is filled with treachery, murder and corrupt law enforcement officials.  There are already best-selling books and it’s almost guaranteed to make a blockbuster movie someday.  And now, with the addition of tracking Catherine Greig’s implants – well, this is just the stuff of Hollywood, don’t you think?