Heidi Montag’s leadership

Posted on January 19th, 2010 by Gina

I can relate to Heidi Montag.  Really.  If you’ve been in Kuala Lumpur for the last few weeks, you might have missed the People Magazine feature showing the already beautiful 23-year-old woman’s transformation to astonishingly beautiful – through the miracle of modern cosmetic procedures.  Folks are expressing outrage at the superficiality of the young reality-TV star’s actions, and at such a tender age already.  But not me.  I totally get it.  She had the money, the time and People Magazine to back her.

So I’m putting myself out there, too.  If People, or any other magazine, wants to chronicle (and pay for) my transformation, here is my wish list as compared to Heidi’s:


1.  Mini Brow Lift
2.  Botox in forehead and frown
3.  Nose Job revision
4.  Fat injections in cheeks,
nasolabial folds and lips
5.  Chin reduction
6.  Neck Liposuction
7.  Ears pinned back
8.  Breast Augmentation
9.  Liposuction on waist, hips and
inner and outer thighs
10.  Buttock augmentation


1.  Maxi Brow Lift.  In fact, lift
everything starting just
below my waist.
2.  Sure. Paralyze it all.  Just make
sure I can blink.

3.  I’d prefer Nose hair removal.

4.  Don’t give me anymore fat,
anywhere!  Just use plastic.

5.  Double-chin reduction.

6.  What neck?  Save that machine
for my hips.
7.  They don’t work anyway.
Can you pin up the skin hanging
over my knees?
8.  Do that when you fix my knees.
They’re in the same vicinity.
9.  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!  You better have a backup.  This could take awhile.
10.  Do anything you want back
there, I never look anyway.

Wait!  Only ten things?  What about a tummy tuck?  The excess skin on my arms?  My bunions?

Well, I will settle for whatever People Magazine will support.  Time-Warner, I await your call.

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A short history of cosmetics

150BC Romans use yellow eye shadow.

The Romans preferred to use gold-colored eye shadow which was made from saffron and painted onto the area around the sides and under their eyes. Then they used powdered wood ash to color their eyelids black. This gold color was quite significant at the time because they saw themselves as the rulers of the Mediterranean.