HONOLULU – The Honolulu City Council is considering a bill that would impose up to a $500 fine and/or up to six months in jail for public transit passengers convicted of being too smelly.

The bill will be heard Thursday in committee. It would make it illegal to have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.”

The American Civil Liberties Union of Hawaii says it is concerned with laws that are inherently vague, which opens the door to discriminatory enforcement based on an officer’s individual prejudices.

When I think of Honolulu I smile.  I think of the home of my president.  A place of warm, sandy beaches, tepid weather, Keala Kennelly, the strong, haole surfer queen.  Not smelly buses and people sitting too close, or being disturbed by another’s personal hygiene.

And the ACLU is worried about olfactory judgment.  One man’s stench may be another man’s Yves Saint Laurent , you know.  And vice-versa.  I have gagged many a time on someone’s overuse of eau de toilette.  But it’s a big mess and it could all end up in court, not to mention hurt feelings on the part of the accused.

I have the answer to everyone’s problem.  Burger King launched a men’s cologne earlier in the year called Flame.  “FLAME is the world’s first perfume to contain the irresistible, sizzling overtones of the WHOPPER. Behold the scent of seduction with the subtle hint of flame-grilled beef.”  (We didn’t make that up.)  Now, I have a hunch they might have a few extra cartons sittin’ around that aren’t selling.  They could donate the cologne to Honolulu, who could, in turn, make it available to the poor gland-challenged folks on the buses.  People in tight spaces would calm down, get hungry, buy fast food, contribute to the local economy, help create jobs, and get people paid so they can buy soap.  Then my president has his home back and everything can return to warm, sandy beaches and Keala Kennelly.