As clear as the nose on your face

Posted on September 9th, 2009 by Gina

nose_injectionI believe in the 3P Theory: For every grooming issue there is a Product, Process or a Plastic Surgery procedure that can take care of it.  Case in point: The Nose.  Right in the middle of your face is the first thing everyone sees from you each day.  It is mostly ignored unless there is something wrong with it. Then it is a problem of therapeutic proportions.  No greater comedic soliloquy exists, for instance, than Steve Martin rattling off nose jokes from different points of view in the movie Roxanne (1987).

  1. “Obvious:  Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
  2. Meteorological:  Everybody take cover. She’s going to blow!
  3. Fashionable:  You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like … Wyoming.
  4. Personal:  Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
  5. Punctual:  Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late.”  There were 25 in all and they were preciously funny.

But no one is laughing about your nose if you aren’t, so to prove my theory about the 3 P’s, I offer three solutions to your, um, schnazze issue.hutton

Product: Lauren Hutton, that gap-toothed model from the 1970’s, has spent the last few years hawking her own line of cosmetics on QVC called, of course, Lauren Hutton Cosmetics.  Someone she loved must have had a honker, because she developed “The Nose Job Makeup Kit” with special brushes for shortening and narrowing the appearance of your smeller, as well as helping to separate the eyes in case you are Mongolian.

Process:  Another alternative to surgery is the use of fillers to get that perfect nose.  “Injectibles like Juvederm® and Restylane®, often used to fill in facial wrinkles, are now being used to reshape the nose in minutes without anethesia or incisions,” recently reported.  The theory here is that instead having that Mt. Vesuvius lump removed from the bridge of your snoot, you just fill in the rest of the nose so the lump isn’t so prominent.

Plastic Surgery: It is bad enough that a person has a hooter worthy of an extra plane ticket without having to go through the further injustice of agreeing to something called Rhinoplasty.  Also called a nose job, it is an expensive procedure at $5-8,000 and often requires the professional doing the “job” to hit you in the face with a small hammer.  I must know 10 people who have done it, however, and not one of them wish they hadn’t.

There you have it.  The 3P Theory proven once again.  Got a new challenge?

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A short history of cosmetics

150BC Romans use yellow eye shadow.

The Romans preferred to use gold-colored eye shadow which was made from saffron and painted onto the area around the sides and under their eyes. Then they used powdered wood ash to color their eyelids black. This gold color was quite significant at the time because they saw themselves as the rulers of the Mediterranean.