Here are two things you can safely bet I will never order: 1) Rocky Mountain Oysters from any menu, any time, anywhere; and 2) the Aberdeen Organic Bull Sperm Treatment at Hari’s Salon in London.

Remember when we told you LookinGood couldn’t make this stuff up? Hari’s of London introduced its attention-grabbing treatment about 18 months ago and it was touted as the next possible trend in high-end hair care by Cosmetics Design.

But golly, it hasn’t caught on yet, (picture me scratching my semen-deprived locks in mock disbelief), though it’s still on the menu at Hari’s.

It could be because of the economy. The process — an intense protein treatment that supposedly “repairs, restores and brightens” — is part of a three-step treatment that runs a cool £100 (about $150 in U.S. dollars).

It could also be that it’s just gross. The mixture of bull sperm and katira plant root extract is massaged into the hair, then heat is applied to allow the product to be absorbed. The semen is stored in the fridge in straws – hopefully not the same fridge where the stylists keep their lunches.

Salon owner Hari Salem says it’s a perfect treatment for damaged hair. Hair, after all, is protein and dry hair is repaired by replenishing the protein. Couldn’t he just suggest clients eat more chicken? Or offer them a handful of nuts … oh wait …

But seriously, I am not one to judge, simply a provider of information. And just because this isn’t for me, there could be someone else out there reading this who wants to give it a go.

SO, if you can’t make it to London or are one of those do-it-yourselfers, ehow.com offers step-by-step instructions on collecting semen from a bull. Of course, if you don’t have a beast handy or know anyone who does, there’s always bullsemen.com. The site, which technically is for cattle breeders, includes pictures (!) as well as vital information about the, um, donors.

And that’s no bull.

• Don’t kow about Rocky mountain oysters?  Click here.
• Cosmetics Design weighs in.
• Link to Hari’s treatments page: http://www.harissalon.com/hairtreatments.php
• eHow tells you how, but maybe you don’t want to know.