Michelle’s Diary on her “Boob Job.”

Posted on June 30th, 2009 by Gina


July 29, 2009

Dear Diary,

Trying to figure out how to get more Boob Job. The 3.4 ounces (100 ml) didn’t last the entire 52 days, using it twice a day. It lasted about 45 days, although in the beginning I experimented by using different amounts, so it very well could last 8 weeks if used more consistently.

I must say I’m quite happy with the results. This week’s measurement is 34, 37-3/8ths and 36 – another increase. These apples have gone from smallish Macintosh to the larger, fuller Golden Delicious variety and truthfully, it would be nice to maintain them. But that means ordering another bottle, and at $178.93 U.S., it’s just not in the budget.

I was thinking though: Maybe I could move West, or get a P.O. box with a 90210 zip code, then write to the directors of the Miss California Pageant and see if they would spring for it. After all, they paid for the actual breast augmentation surgery for their titleholder Carrie Prejean. This is just a bottle of cream. And since she lost the title (over nude pictures from before the surgery! Oh the irony …) maybe there’s a chance she has to give the money back. If all of a sudden they have some extra cash, why not share it?

I could tell them how I feel about myself, what I like, what I need to work on … what would give me the most confidence as I present myself on the national stage …

Hmmm … that would probably be a spellchecker, not cleavage. But maybe if I started writing in my bathing suit instead of my pajamas … telling people what I really believe instead of hiding behind all this satire … it could lead to a book deal.

Diary, we could be on to something here.

July 22, 2009

Dear Diary,

Gina keeps asking me who the target audience is for this do-it-yourself Boob Job. The first answer of course, is bloggers looking for new products they can have fun with and who want to see how many times they can weave the words “boob job” throughout witty copy. It’s kind of like the grown-up version of (whisper it) f-a-r-t.

I think what she really wants to know is whether or not this product will turn her measurement — 36 long — into a 38 regular. I’m going to have to gently break it to her. No. If your apples are already a better testament to gravity than Sir Isaac Newton’s, well, let’s be honest, a twice-a-day cream applied in an upward motion close to mealtime just ain’t gonna cut it.

It’s also not for the 17- to 25-year-old set. If you’re in shape at that age, you likely don’t need to be lifted and firmed. Half a cup – full or empty – is still just half a cup.

In my opinion, the prototype female for something like this product is probably me. Late 30s-early 40s, had a couple of kids, lost some weight and some body tone, tried exercises.  We are not unhappy with the way we look, but would like some parts a little curvier, some a little flatter. It’s not worth surgery, but why not give this stuff a try.  We want 40 to be the new 30 in body as well as mind.

Rodial markets Boob Job as an alternative to plastic surgery and exercise. It has pretty much delivered what it said it would and as much as I was interested in, which wasn’t really much. If you’re an, ahem, older woman with gravity issues, or a young woman who is disappointed with Mom and Dad’s gene pool, then you’re going to have to start looking for a good doctor.  Like Val sings in “A Chorus Line:”

“…Bought myself a fancy pair.
Tightened up the derriere.
Did the nose with it.
All that goes with it

Tits and ass won’t change you life, unless their yours.”

This week’s measurements (Week 7) are 34, 37¼, 35-7/8 – a bit of a jump. Retaining water? We’ll see next week.

July 15, 2009

Dear Diary,

Not much change from last week to this. After about 38 days, the girls are definitely a little heftier, and this is backed up by the numbers, but my gains will definitely not be half a cup size by the end of this experiment. They might be firmer, too, but from this vantage point, I can’t see any lift.

I also don’t know that there will be enough of the cream to last the full 56 days as called for in the directions, but that’s OK. After the initial eight weeks, the directions say use it a couple of times a week (rather than twice a day) to maintain your gains, but I can’t see spending $178.93 plus shipping to hold on to the inch of fullness I’ve gained. For half the cash, I could buy a couple of really nice bras that do the same thing.

That is not to say the experiment has been a bust. The cream definitely has made my skin softer, and it looks like some stretch marks have disappeared. It HAS gotten to be a bit of a chore to use this stuff twice a day “as close to mealtimes as possible.” It’s summer for goodness sake! I wanted to get up and jump in the lake each morning during vacation, not think about leaving sufficient time for Boob Job to be absorbed before hitting the water.  But I did that anyway, in the name of science.

This week the measurements are 34, 36 5/8 and 36, and they’ve pretty much been in that range for the last three weeks or so (36-3/8ths last week, 36-7/8ths around June 24).  As with any product, I’m sure Boob Job works differently on each person. I wonder if results would be different on women who have more fat to move around … or less for that matter. Or if women who eat differently or consume more fat and sugars — I focus on fruits, veggies and dairy, then work in the other stuff after that — would see bigger results.

I know, I know, that’s probably over-thinking it a little.  Maybe it’s time to go shop for bras.

July 8, 2009

Dear Diary,

The things you do on vacation! Today I discovered today that I can subscribe to an RSS feed from a site called Breast Enlargement Product Reviews.  There are dozens of websites out there dedicated to achieving a bigger bust with cream or pills. Who knew?

I was looking to see what other creams are out there and how they compare to Boob Job, the product I am currently using to enhance the puppies, in terms of ingredients, cost, usage and so on. Turns out, there are quite a few and several of the products work “as seen on TV.” Now, I don’t know about other people, but if I’m buying something “As Seen On TV,” it’s probably a Chia pet or OxiClean. You know, something shouted about by Billy Mays, may he rest in peace.  Of course, it’s probably not that different from buying something “as seen in Daily Candy.” Ahem.

Anyway, these creams – when you look, they’re everywhere online! One website – EnlargeBreastGuide.com – has a side-by-side comparison of five 5 breast enlargement creams.
A newer product, St. Botanica’s Breast Cream, uses an ingredient called Pueraria mirifica, a plant extract from Thailand. If this plant does half the things it claims – tightens skin, enlarges breasts, eases PMS and menopause, staves off gray hair and breast cancer to name a few – it will be bigger than the Acai berry or pomegranates combined. It also makes me wish the FDA tested this stuff, because there’s no clear picture on the side effects.

But I digress. Ultimately what I found is that all these products make bigger claims than Rodial (Embrace: “Enhance your breasts up to two full cup sizes!”) and they all cost significantly less – about $25-$65 for a month’s supply.

At the same time, none of them use the same ingredients as Boob Job. Several contain wild yam. There’s the Pueraria mirifica. But the wheat extract, pomegranate and Anemarrhenae Asphodeloides (another Asian root extract) appear to be unique to Rodial.

I also found that reading about all these products and their sister creams like Glutimax (for a shapelier butt) and especially the St. Botanica’s Lady Secret (for a tighter, well, you know) made me feel like I was strolling through Bangkok’s notorious red light district on a dark, foggy night.

So, the measurements halfway through the eight weeks of using Boob Job: 34 , 36-3/8ths (up 3/8’s) and 35-¼  — a little bigger, but it hasn’t changed the way the bathing suit fits.  I don’t think anybody who saw me four weeks ago is doing a double take over less than half an inch.

June 24, 2009

Dear Diary,

It’s been two weeks and I think I see something!  The girls seem a little fuller.  No “lift,” per se, but the bra seems to fit a little better.  And there quite possibly could be a little more décolletage!

I measured today, and we’ve increased by nearly an inch all the way around: 34 under, almost 37 across and 35 a little above.  Now there could be a few reasons for that of course.  My hands were cold.  It could be water retention or possibly the results of consuming a couple of pints of Ben & Jerry’s in the last seven days.  (Who am I to resist a sale??)

But like I said, they look a little fuller.  I was telling a girlfriend about this goofy experiment – in part because she does standup, and hey, I try to provide her with as much material as I can.  She laughed, but she also just finished treatment for breast cancer, so of course her first question was:  Is it safe?

Of course, this has crossed my mind once or twice as well, so I went to the Environmental Working Group’s Cosmetics Safety Database to check out some of the ingredients.  Many of them haven’t been assessed, but most are also found in products that rank low on EWG’s hazard scale.  A couple of them, such as Phenoxyethanol, sneak into the moderate risk category.

I can tell you it hasn’t irritated my skin, and I’m easily irritable. The fragrance took some getting used to, so if you have strong reactions or are allergic to those types of ingredients, it might be a problem.

If I start to feel it’s risky, I’ll stop using it in a heartbeat.

June 17, 2009

Dear Diary,

It’s been about 10 days since UPS delivered the Boob Job, but I’ve “officially” only been using it for about a week.  I say officially because for the first couple of days, I wasn’t, um, using it quite right.

True, how hard CAN it be to apply a cream? But applying it wasn’t the problem. The box says: “Gently massage the breast and décolleté area with circular and upward strokes until absorbed.”

OK. I understand circular, upward and absorbed. Easy enough.

The problem is, the website says: “Use twice daily, as close to mealtimes as possible.”

I also understand twice and mealtimes, but these directions weren’t anywhere in any of the three languages on the box, nor were they on any of the printed material that came with my package. If I hadn’t been using the website to fact-check my info for my first oh-so-private diary entry, I would still be using the stuff once a day (at bedtime, long after I’ve eaten). That’s a pretty significant difference and could be the difference between the product working or not working for many users.

After resolving the directions issue, I have been loyally following the website version. You’re supposed to use it around mealtimes to capture those fat cells when they’re really stimulated and zipping around your body, I guess.  The smell of the stuff might actually make you hungry. Some might call it fruity, but it reminds me of Pez – yup, that little candy that pops out of the plastic dispenser.

I don’t think I see much difference after seven days, but they could be a little firmer. My bosom buddies are still 33 under, 36 across the middle, 34 a little above that.


June 10, 2009

Dear Diary,

You won’t believe it! I asked Gina for Boob Job and she agreed. No, no, no, not THAT kind of boob job. There’s this cream made by a British company, Rodial, that claims to have “revolutionized the skincare industry by developing a range of products that replicate the results of plastic surgery.” I saw it in a Daily Candy email, started looking through the products, and found Boob Job.

I know, my breasts are fine the way they are, and I should be happy.  But, I’m not interested in turning these apples into melons. The product claims that you gain half a cup size over eight weeks and there is instant firming and lifting. So, what’s a half a cup size between friends? And honestly, who doesn’t want bigger, firmer apples?

Plus, Diary, you know that claims like that scream out to the journalist in me. I want to know how it works. The website says that “fat cells move around the body after eating and this cream ‘blocks’ ” the fat where the cream has been applied. That’s cool, if it works. It also says that ingredients include a phytosterol with no hormonal activity, and includes “pomegranate ellagic tannin cell protection” which appears to be just jumping on the pomegranate bandwagon.

Besides the usual water, glycerines, triglycerides and silicones, it’s loaded with extracts and also contains triticum vulgare, or wheat protein, which makes me think that maybe eating more bread would get me bigger boobs and cost less than the $178.93 price tag on this little bottle. But hey, that’s definitely less scientific.

So the UPS guy delivered my Boob Job and I’m ready to go. Just to keep track, Diary, I’m starting at a 36B [Editors note:  That is not Michelle in the picture.] Using the traditional bra fitting breast measurements, I’m 33 inches around my chest at the bottom and 36 inches across at my fullest point. To see if it makes the girls plumper, I’m 34 inches a little above that.

In the next entry, Diary, I’ll measure again to see if there’s a difference. And, wow, I’m really glad you’re here. This isn’t the kind of thing I’d want to share with the world.

[Another Editor’s note:  If this works on Michelle, I will try it.  My starting measurement is 36 Long.]

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A short history of cosmetics

150BC Romans use yellow eye shadow.

The Romans preferred to use gold-colored eye shadow which was made from saffron and painted onto the area around the sides and under their eyes. Then they used powdered wood ash to color their eyelids black. This gold color was quite significant at the time because they saw themselves as the rulers of the Mediterranean.